Brandon's Quote Database

  1. It's kind of annoying when Earl talks to Terry on the phone
    Earl talking to his daughter on the phone
  2. You cant get gout in your knee, only in your heart
    See Gart
  3. Scott: This is me teaching you how to fish.
    Brandon: This fish tastes like ass!
    reply to Scott's explaining how to use windbg help
  4. Actually review code submitted for code reviews instead of just saying you did or it will bite you in the long run.
    giving priceless advice
  5. It's called a compromise Earl. It's what Americans do in America.
    discussing with Earl why he won't fix his code
  6. You play to win the game if I may channel Herm Edwards.
    discussing basketball
  7. Well if you came back to your desk and saw a bunch of headless animal crackers standing around like that how would you react?
    discussing the psychological effects of office pranks
  8. I don't get sick. I once kept my appendicitis under control with my mind for three months. It would have kept working if Earl hadn't given me so much work that last month.
    explaining how he never gets sick
  9. I'm going to marry Rebecca Black and our kids will win American Idol.
    defending his love for the Friday song
  10. I'm not the Secretary.. it's Team Articulator.
    defending his self-assigned team management duties
  11. It's not an orange Terry.. it's a 'wing ball'.. it's full of ranch.. just bite into it!
    tricking people into eating healthier
  12. It's called a gentleman's disagreement.
    discussing with Jack why he won't fix his code
  13. Phyllis! You're supposed to be the mature one. When Jack starts banging his cabinets now we'll know where he learned it.
    imparting wisdom from experience
  14. It's the Wild West.. you can put anything you want in there!
    discussing why a web form was not validating user input
  15. Cheese can't grow bacteria because when you heat it up the bacteria melts and becomes more cheese.
    teaching basic science
  16. No regression? Perfect. Just ship it? I like it!
    lampooning not testing code changes
  17. If we speed up the pace we can make more bad decisions in less time!
    explaining meeting logic
  18. Me and Danielle are card brothers!
    holding up matching story point cards
  19. You can always pop up a box that says 'searching..' until it finishes whatever it's doing.
    brainstorming solutions for slow code
  20. Nurses love deleting data. They don't even ask they just do it.
    discussing if the code should allow a delete option
  21. They should be spinning that sign like they do in LA. We've got the Visual Basic version out here.
    looking out of the car at one of the people on a corner dressed up as the Statue of Liberty holding a sign
  22. You can have 50 hours of work assigned for the last 2 days of an iteration. I've seen it before.
  23. No go ahead. I don't have any dogs in the fight on this one.
    conceding in an argument
  24. I bet you'd dress up as all the Three Musketeers at once Terry.
    discussing arrogance
  25. What's with this windbg cheat sheet Willy? It's like how those preppy kids with Scooby Doo binders would write it.
    discussing work quality
  26. Get out of the cute boy's chair!
    asking others to leave his cubicle
  27. Hello. I'm the quiet reserved one in the office.
    introducing himself to Phyllis' husband
  28. At first I made it real fancy using AJAX. I learned later that this was a 'no-no'.
    discussing over-engineering
  29. I wouldn't. She'd say "This is what you do all day? Why aren't you a fireman?"
    bringing your child to work day
  30. My favorite intern was the one who never spoke except for that one time to correct Terry on Star Wars trivia. I wish I could've met that kid. He seemed awesome.
    discussing interns
  31. My pop didn't even want to take me to the grocery store. He said I'd get a treat if I behaved but I could never make it through the first aisle.
    discussing childhood
  32. It's too late. I've got gardening club tonight.
    giving excuses
  33. No I just bought this red lotion and thought I'd rub it all over myself.
    responding to an elderly woman who asked if he got sunburned while golfing
  34. I'll go with you. We'll go playground to playground. What could go wrong?
    recruiting children for a football league
  35. When the hour strikes the backwards E then shall the best developer here have his snack.
    announcing a donut break at 3pm
  36. Their process is based on assumptions and hand gestures.
    farming principles
  37. Come on Danielle you know this: adapt react readapt act."
    handling life
  38. I'm just saying that it's a long time to stay married to one person.
    giving Danielle marriage advice
  39. That would have been wasteful and irresponsible. It was a routine surgery.
    asking his mother to not visit him at the hospital after his appendectomy
  40. It's a 600 dollar iPad. No I do not want to buy a cover.
    talking to the girl working at Best Buy
  41. Honestly she hasn't earned it. It's a performance based position.
    discussing mother's day gifts
  42. That's because there's a lot of kinetic energy in here.
    discussing why the only burned out overhead light in the office is above his cubicle
  43. Noticed that have you? You have to use key phrases like 'windbg' and 'huge performance issue' if you want him to stick around. He's a dicey fellow.
    discussing Scott's brief hurried appearances and rapid departures
  44. Oh Brenda. You know meetings can only be added not removed. Like database changes.
    meeting invitations
  45. Does it come with tires?
    buying a new motorcycle
  46. Yeah I could show you how to catch zero fish. Though to be fair I was told there were only at most four fish in the water.
    fishing
  47. Yes Brad is quick to throw rocks out from his house of glass.
    discussing hypocrisy and 'breaking process'
  48. I don't waste anything.. except for milk because I don't always finish it.
    discussing waste
  49. If everyone would listen to me and do what I want this would go so easily.
    leading others
  50. That's what we call an old-fashioned rabbit hole.
    clicking so many buttons you forget where you started
  51. I'm like a phoenix; I come back stronger.
    replacing a broken computer mouse
  52. Think of her like the mule in this situation.. you had to take the rope and lead her to the water.. otherwise she would still have been out wandering around eating grass. She would have had no chance.
    helping support close service requests
  53. Do you think the fact that we're in the far left turn lane and they're in the far right turn lane means anything? Might be a hint.
    discussing following others while driving
  54. Oh no.. T-E-R-R-I.
    denying a joke was about Terry
  55. I'm a product of my environment so I accept none of the blame.
    responding to being told he's jaded
  56. My mom used to have us donate to the quarter jar every time we swore. One summer my brother funded the family vacation by himself. Now there is a clause so that if you're out working on the farm you're allowed to swear. We would've all gone bankrupt.
    discussing childhood
  57. I set aside money in my budget for spite. My brother told me not to invest in Facebook stock. While driving home from visiting my aunt and cousins I got on the phone and immediately bought some stock. The time they waste on Facebook alone will make it worth it.
    discussing proving others wrong
  58. Oh you're not that old. You're only 37.
    comforting someone
  59. He gets 'blazing' wings at BWW on a fairly consistent basis so yes it is suspicious.
    commenting that Terry does not enjoy 'hot' Thai food
  60. We'll just update the databases and put 'El' in front of everything.
    adding Spanish language support to our software
  61. I haven't dreamed I was pregnant in a while.
    empathizing with the dreams of married women
  62. This is nothing personal Myo.. but I don't like you. We've got to let you go.
    evaluating the net worth of others
  63. So I leave antifreeze out? I can't be responsible for who comes along and drinks it.
    referring to a cat that hangs around a coworker's house
  64. I was trying to do it like Assassin's Creed and blend smoothly into the wall. I blame these poorly constructed walls. It didn't help that Scott was hurrying me.
    slamming hard into the wall to avoid Wendy's gaze while sneaking out of a meeting
  65. He wasn't superstitious.. but he was a little stitious.
    talking about a guy at his blackjack table
  66. She said she doesn't believe in me.
    discussing mothers and low self esteem
  67. You're going to need him if you want to admit a patient.
    discussing a date that defaulted to one month and one day after Jesus' birth
  68. If your biggest work expense is property damage then you might be culping it.
    discussing past incidents
  69. I don't like 'plotting'. I don't like 'conniving'. These are negative connotation words.
    choosing wording for an email
  70. I asked her if she wanted to have my children. We're not on speaking terms right now.
    meeting a saleswoman on the golf course
  71. We're planning for a quiet night.. get to bed by 3 or 4.
    planning for the weekend
  72. I told him it was unfounded and inaccurate.
    establishing deniability
  73. I basically wrote the Harry Potter books.
    replying to complaints that his stories have no magic
  74. Scott wrote his own code review tool. It comes with predefined comments like "I would have done this 100% differently" that you can drag and drop.
    complaining about stringent code reviewers
  75. When you grow up on a farm you know not to get up in an animal's face like that. What is that guy doing next to that buffalo? Doesn't he know how this ends?
    visiting Yellowstone National Park
  76. Lunch is before 2 snacks are from 3 to 5 and supper is after 6.. like normal Americans. If I asked my mom for a snack at 2 I got an apple at 3.. which is why I used to be built like an ox.
    reasoning behind the prophecy donut
  77. Yes I finished it. I even ignored all the things wrong with it like you told me to.
    reviewing Abhilesh's code
  78. I told him he had on a nice tie and he was kicking around everyone in the office all day.
    giving Jack power
  79. He's like a clipboard weenie in Vietnam.. he's going to get his head shot off.
    talking about Brad blurring the lines between being a nurse and a programmer
  80. Hey Scott! Think fast! You've got to be quick to work here.
    throwing a miniature basketball at Scott's face
  81. No you can't kick him out. You've got to strong arm him. Box him in the corner and knock him down a peg. Then he'll fall in line.
    breaking the will of others
  82. Then he'll have to stay in IP Escalation. He can't come back to development with that kind of attitude.
    talking about disrespecting team rules
  83. I was 6'8'' before I started working with clients.
    getting beaten down
  84. I have witty t-shirts too. One at least.
    feeling ostracized
  85. Usually it's half full because of global warming and there is a sucker fish in there that is going extinct and the liquid in the glass was illegally purchased to begin with.
    considering whether the glass is half full or half empty
  86. Oh in Mexico we got to do what we wanted.. what I didn’t realize is that other people would be doing what they wanted too. Freedom is dangerous.. people need to be shackled.
    traveling
  87. I sat back and admired them at their trade. They were good at separating people from their money.
    talking about beach vendors
  88. I love how Mason came into the room when everyone had their right hands raised and he didn't even bat an eye.
    admiring composure
  89. You'd be hard pressed to find that document on uCern.
    refusing to save a seat at a meeting
  90. I'll submit my inbox for an audit right now!
    calling bluffs
  91. Make sure to keep his ego in check while I'm gone or I'm going to have a lot of work on my plate when I get back.
    regarding Terry
  92. He needs the encouragement.
    clapping after Terry gave a scrum update
  93. Terry requires so little input. He's all output.
    discussing voting at a meeting despite not knowing the topic
  94. When have you ever seen him let a meeting come between lunch? I'm surprised you forgot that Krissy. It's a staple.
    overlapping meetings and lunch
  95. Only dangerous at five yards? No. His speed radius increases relative to how much something impacts him personally.
    discussing a time Terry chased down a kid who tried to steal a car stereo
  96. You don't follow any social norms. You'd do well in Mexico Jack.
    discussing ignoring college sports
  97. Let the records show that I had a joke ready but I withheld it. The ball's in your court now Phyllis.
    being polite
  98. Version One Bingo.. BINGO! You get to work on those 5 JIRAs!
    planning meetings
  99. Wendy remember when you first started working here and you told Terry he wouldn't be able to have food delivered here? Boy were you in for a shock.
    ordering food
  100. Good thing this isn't a democracy because you all can't be trusted to make the right decisions.
    making decisions
  101. I almost want to reply and tell him to take it back.
    receiving an email that said "Thank you for resolving this in a timely manner!" despite over 30 days having passed
  102. My presentation was 50 minutes.. but most of it was name calling very little content was involved.
    giving presentations
  103. He just wants to have a smug look on his face while you eat it. I'm not going to play his game.
    rejecting Scott's free bagels
  104. His autopsy one day will be unbelievable.
    commenting on what Terry eats
  105. Earl wanted context for the picture. I thought it was pretty self-explanatory.
    sending a picture of Terry putting on latex gloves
  106. I went one night to my dad's bowling league. It was eye opening. Like maximum sinning going on.
    bowling
  107. Why do you always hit Daddy?
    discussing conflict
  108. Terry's plan was to use the word 'culping' himself so that it would become uncool. It doesn't seem to be working.
    using reverse psychology poorly
  109. No it's a nice teal color.
    talking about blue mold on bagels
  110. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that I put sugar in my coffee. I couldn't do anything. I had to watch myself do it. I called out "No! Stop!" I woke up in a cold sweat.
    drinking coffee
  111. How can a reward be sexist Jack?
    having mothers cook on Mother's Day
  112. Terry aren't most bowlers fat and old?
    bowling again
  113. Terry speaking of the gutter how's my SDD coming?
    bowling yet again
  114. Phyllis and Danielle are explaining to me about ergonomic chairs but I'm explaining to them that I'm Catholic.
    living ascetically
  115. I don't see what the big deal is. It's just a light rain storm over the water.
    discussing hurricanes
  116. You can always go back and edit your comment and put a “Thank you” in there.
    editing politeness back into rude posts ex post facto
  117. Oh about average. If they tell you differently then they're lying.
    answering a waitress who asked “How are you doing today?”
  118. You should know better than anyone that a document can’t do anything.
    discussing a restraining order and an architect’s role
  119. You always export your moral compass.
    telling Earl he has no shame
  120. Requirements are like taxes. You don't have to do them.
    writing requirements
  121. We could pull a Clint Eastwood and say the solution designer is sitting there in that chair. What? No Maria. I will not tell Abhilesh to go do that.
    missing people at meetings
  122. He needs a peg leg and a parrot that calls out "Aark! Broke the build!" every so often.
    discussing gout
  123. That goes back to how we should build a robot named A.I. Terry that goes around to meetings for him and periodically says "It's LTC's fault!" That'll be its only contribution to meetings.
    planning meetings
  124. All of this is going in my book. The first chapter will have a picture of a straw and be titled "Suck It Up!"
    toughening up
  125. What? I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings? It feels like I'm back on Abhilesh's team.
    complaining about IP Escalation
  126. There should be a rule where you can’t leave at 4:30 if you don’t have your work done. Terry is just a free spirit.
    leaving early
  127. That's like taking a garbage can and dumping it all over someone's front lawn and calling it culture.
    talking about 'nerd core' music
  128. Divert power from the shields to the fryers!
    experiencing a power outage at Buffalo Wild Wings
  129. I had to steal mine from a homeless man. Imagine how I feel.
    comforting Phyllis about a rushed lunch
  130. I only had three months to prepare for this presentation. There wasn't time to come up with any.
    skipping over a blank slide entitled “Compliments for Terry”
  131. What do you mean "Who's presenting?" You've been watching me set up the projector for ten minutes Phyllis. Are you delirious?
    preparing for a presentation
  132. They're wrapped Phyllis. They don't go bad. That's why they're wrapped. To keep them preserved.
    eating very old candy
  133. Really? Every time I'm in the hallway you're in the hallway?
    greeting Scott in passing